I know that someday you'll find better things.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Groupon thinks I'm a bimbo.

Okay, perhaps that’s a bit harsh. Diva, then.

My inbox is flooded with Groupon’s daily custom deals: acrylic nails, hot stone massages, lash extensions, microderm-abrasions…

What on earth did I click when I established the parameters for their personalized promotions?

Eyebrow threading? I’ll admit-- this one was intriguing. Do they sew in supplementary foliage for those of us who are naturally deficient? Alas, no. It appears that this procedure involves somehow tying floss around eyebrow hairs and then YANKING them out. In public! Embarrassment aside, it sounds both painful and time consuming.

Tanning packages? Another confession here, I’m afraid. There was a time in my life when I tanned regularly, and that time was fifteen years ago. There was a time when I tanned sporadically, and that time was ten years ago—in January, and for two weeks only. I’d been super-stressed, and there’s something very comforting about spending time daily in a warm, light place where literally the only thing one could do was lie still for a solid twenty minutes. The joy of recreational and/or intentional tanning was killed the day I learned that a tan is the skin’s response to injury. You know, like bruises. Mother’s theory of brown fat being more attractive than pale fat be damned, I was done with UV rays forever.

(“Do they not have sunshine where you come from?” Russ had asked when we’d first become intimately acquainted.)

Spray-tan packages? Oh, Groupon, Groupon, Groupon. Do you not know me at all? WHY would I sign on to pay $19 for a spray tan session when I can (and recently DID) purchase my own tan-in-a-can. Did you really think that I would embrace a public venue for such a private sindulgence? For shame.

[Side note—Moist Hemp’s 'Bronzing Moisturizer' and Body Drench’s 'Quick Tan Bronzing Spray' ($5.99 and $19.99 at Sally Beauty, respectively) have been wonderfully effective this season.]

Groupon, you are going to have to do better if you expect to keep my business. (Or perhaps—Self, you are going to have to establish your preferences better if you want to keep scoring great Groupon deals!) Ever thought of having a discount on regular sunscreen? I’d buy it in a heartbeat!

Take note, Sun. I'm armed and ready for battle.

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