Biblical Proportions

It's weird to think about something snowballing out of control when it's been nothing but 90+ degrees for so long, but that is exactly what happened Tuesday afternoon.

The first part of the day was magnificent, probably because I did a double-dose of self-hypnosis for Ultimate and Total Confidence(!)

Things went south went I decided to put my new-found confidence to work and step out of my comfort zone.

Lately I've had spirituality on the brain. If I was going to give religion a whirl, I thought I should start with a new Bible, since the one that I currently own is from back when I was in fifth grade. It is an excellent Bible and in excellent condition, but I'm ready for one with more words and fewer pictures. 

Although I would miss the maps.

There's a Mardel not far from here. Mardel is a Christian bookstore owned by Hobby Lobby, which mostly means that it is not open on Sundays. 

I double-checked that it was not Sunday. 
Nope, still Tuesday.

When I stepped inside the store and saw the Duck Dynasty dvd display, I interpreted it as a sign from above that I was in the right place.

Not the first time I've been wrong.
Not even the first time this week I've been wrong.

The store itself is roughly the size of a Walmart, and one-third of the interior is exclusively books. There's an entire wall dedicated to Bibles. Part of an adjacent wall is dedicated to Bible koozies. I am not making that up.

If you are someone with an anxiety disorder, you should probably not enter this kind of situation alone. But I thought I could handle it, from the hypnosis and whatnot, and also I thought that here of all places I'd have God by my side.

I had a vague idea of the kind of Bible I wanted:

• sturdy enough to use as a writing surface on my lap at church
• wide margins to write copious notes
• more words than pictures
• maps, if possible
• reasonably priced (this was non-negotiable)

But before I could find one with those features, I had to decide on a version. There were quite a few.

• King James Version
• New King James Version
• English Standard Version
• Christian Standard Version
• Contemporary English Version
• New Revised Standard Version
• New International Version
• New American Version
• New American Standard Version
• New Living Translation Version
• God's Word
• Amplified
• Life Application

and two categories that I ruled out immediately:

• International Children's Version
• Multiple Translations

Each of the categories had subcategories. What kind of subcategories? 

There were slimline ones and ultra-slimline ones and compact ones. I saw giant print ones and tiny print ones and study ones and chronological study ones and read-it-all-in-a-year ones. Softcover, hardcover, genuine leather, imitation leather, and bonded leather. 

And then, there were ones for souls.

Men's souls
Women's souls
Fathers' souls
Mothers' souls
Grandparents' souls
Teens' souls
Pre-teens' souls
Boys' souls
Girls' souls
Dog-lovers' souls (again, not making this up!)

If you die in a Christian book store, are you granted automatic passage to heaven? Really, though-- if you're surrounded by 14,000 Bibles and you die because you are overwhelmed by all the possibilities and decisions that need to be made, surely God has something in place for this. A plan, if you will.

I tried to close my eyes and picture which one the good Reverend Chuck Swindoll preached from. I wanted to see the words he was reading. Something told me it wasn't the Bible for dog-lovers.

When I opened my eyes, all the other possibilities were still there. And by there, I mean everywhere.

I was still outnumbered: 14,000 to 1.

I considered my immediate options:
I could...
1. Hold my breath until I passed out. (temporary relief, permanent embarrassment)
2. Cry. (temporary embarrassment)
3. Text the friend who'd gotten me on this spiritual quest in the first place. (possible peace, probable reassurance.)

I selected option 3, but option 2 came along uninvited. 

My next task was to find a bit of privacy, because the last thing I wanted was an employee asking if I needed any help. They are not qualified for the kind of help I needed. I navigated my way to a cozy corner out of sight of most of the people, which also happened to have several books authored by the good Reverend Swindoll.

After the longest minute of the year, the wisdom from my friend arrived.

I was starting to have some serious doubts about religion.

It's amazing how some of the sharpest people in the world can be so obtuse.

Let's recap:
So-called friend of rock-solid faith tells so-called other friend (other friend being the one with the whole control-freak perfectionist anxiety-thing) that the method to obtaining to inner peace is to put all your soul's trust in something you cannot see or touch AND that this is not something that can be taught.

O-kay. Innate, then, is it? 
Guess I was born without it. 
Genetic defect.
They're not going to let me in the club.
That's it, folks. Show's over. 

Obviously Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam.
I'll get over it. 
Someday. 
Maybe.

Or maybe it was time for a different path. Taoism has always held a certain charm for me. I thought about the book I'd been ogling on amazon for the last week: 365 Tao: Daily Meditations. 85 of 112 reviewers gave it five stars. 85 people can't be wrong.

I wondered if God had anything like that.
A brief, daily little kernel of peace.

The answer was right in front of me. There was a whole section, literally a foot away, called Daily Devotions. And there were another zillion choices.

It was a bit easier to sort through these ones, though, because they were so specific. Nurse, mechanic, lover, dog-lover, beach-lover.

I scanned the titles, waiting for something to touch my soul, and that is when I saw this:
Trusting God, Day by Day (Sounds a little like instructions for faith, doesn't it?)

The day was saved. Maybe my soul was saved, too, but that remains to be seen. 

To get a jump-start on a clean conscience, I apologized to my friend. 

I think he forgave me.