Guss' Grammatically Incorrect Pickles

Today I salute Russ, Chris, Phillis, James, Agnes, Anais, and anyone else who was ever made to feel chubby because of the way some people were applying the possessive-s rule. It is time to stand up and fight back.

Exactly how many people named Gus (Guss?) possess this pickle product? Multiple?
Was there one Guss so large he rendered honorary plural status?
This cannot continue.

Call me old-fashioned, but I was raised to believe that all God's named creatures were entitled to an 'apostrophe + s' when showing possession. And it didn't matter if your name was Tom, Dick, or Harry. Or Chris. Or Russ. Naturally ending-s names had rights, too. The traditional possessive-s was an equal-opportunity grammatical function.

One person, one 'apostrophe + s'.

Alas, not everyone feels this way. Not even everyone in the grammar community feels this way. It appears the generally accepted rule is that it doesn't matter which method you use, as long as you apply it consistently.

How very noncommittal.
I hate wishy-washy rules.

The worst part about wishy-washiness as it applies in this situation is that fifty percent of the population will always be perceived as incorrect. This is especially upsetting for an English teacher needing to send out a school-wide email apologizing for something her class has done. Hypothetically, of course. 

Because of this lax rule, I couldn't maintain my grammatical integrity with all recipients. 

If I led with 'Mrs. Sanders's class', the English teachers would nod approvingly, but everyone else would shake their heads, muttering, "And to think she's an English teacher, for shame."

If I elected to use 'Mrs. Sanders' class', I'd be accepted by everyone else and viewed as a traitor by my English comrades.

I was railroaded into phrase substitution.


On behalf of my class, I would like to accept responsibility for the spontaneous squirrel campaign flyers and fun facts that popped up all over campus.They will be promptly removed tomorrow morning when it is no longer National Squirrel Appreciation Day. We are deeply sorry for any panic our actions may have caused.

Sincerely, 
Mrs. Sanders


You see? Naturally ending-s names are unjustly punished with the burden of additional work just to avoid a perception of inaccuracy.

Somebody needs to take a stand. And, since apparently I am the only one who feels strongly about this, it will have to be me.

I'd like to make a motion to strike the 's + apostrophe' from use in singular-possessive situations. 

The strategy of throwing an apostrophe on to the end of a naturally ending-s name is confusing. It conflicts with the rules of pluralization and presents mixed messages about the amount of [whatever] involved.

Looking for an excuse to use less ink or hand motion? Some may call it efficient, but I call it lazy. Equal rights, people. Russ deserves the 'apostrophe + s' every bit as much as Mark or Joe.

To deprive him this joy is anti-American.

Let's all agree to start applying the 'apostrophe + s'. Tell you friends to tell their friends.

As the leader of this grassroots movement, I will accept the task of contacting Guss about the pickles. His incredibly limited website, though devoid of almost any interesting content, does include an address.

If he is resistant to correcting his labels, I may have to level with him. Delicious though his pickles may be, I'm not sure the leader of this kind of movement can continue to purchase and enjoy them. 

It would be too hypocritical.