How to Safely Crack an Egg

1. Remove carton from refrigerator.
2. Check date on carton. Pause to determine today’s date. If the expiration date is approaching and is less than one week from today, discard carton directly into outside trashbin, just to be safe, and then determine alternate recipe plan. If date is approaching but is more than one week from today, proceed to next step.
3. Remove egg from carton. Examine closely for abnormalities. If it looks odd, discard it directly into the outside trashbin, just to be safe. If you determine it is a normal “good” egg, proceed to the next step.
4. Crack the egg. This can be done by tapping it against the the edge of the countertop or the side of the bowl. Try to minimize the amount of goo that gets on your hands, the countertop, and/or the side of the bowl.
5. Carefully—CAREFULLY—move toward the indoor trash or countertop compost bin, angling your wrists so that any stray goo lands on you and not the floor or counter.
6. With your pinky, attempt to open the cabinet door (or pantry, or compost bin lid) and dispose of the shells with deep purpose and finality.
7. Proceed to sink. Turn on water, apply handsoap. Scrub! Turn off water.
8. Locate Clorox wipes.
9. Wipe the counter (or side of bowl) used to crack the egg. Dispose of wipe.
10. Use a new wipe to clean the pantry door handle and/or compost lid. Dispose of wipe.
11. Use a new wipe to clean the soap dispenser and sink handle(s). Dispose of wipe.
12. Use a new wipe to clean the box of Clorox wipes. Dispose of wipe.
13. Consult recipe. Are additional eggs required? If so, repeat steps 3 through 12.

We don’t eat eggs very often—too dangerous.