Guss' Grammatically Incorrect Pickles

Today I salute Russ, Chris, Phillis, James, Agnes, Anais, and anyone else who was ever made to feel chubby because of the way some people were applying the possessive-s rule. It is time to stand up and fight back.

Exactly how many people named Gus (Guss?) possess this pickle product? Multiple?
Was there one Guss so large he rendered honorary plural status?
This cannot continue.

Call me old-fashioned, but I was raised to believe that all God's named creatures were entitled to an 'apostrophe + s' when showing possession. And it didn't matter if your name was Tom, Dick, or Harry. Or Chris. Or Russ. Naturally ending-s names had rights, too. The traditional possessive-s was an equal-opportunity grammatical function.

One person, one 'apostrophe + s'.

Alas, not everyone feels this way. Not even everyone in the grammar community feels this way. It appears the generally accepted rule is that it doesn't matter which method you use, as long as you apply it consistently.

How very noncommittal.
I hate wishy-washy rules.

The worst part about wishy-washiness as it applies in this situation is that fifty percent of the population will always be perceived as incorrect. This is especially upsetting for an English teacher needing to send out a school-wide email apologizing for something her class has done. Hypothetically, of course. 

Because of this lax rule, I couldn't maintain my grammatical integrity with all recipients. 

If I led with 'Mrs. Sanders's class', the English teachers would nod approvingly, but everyone else would shake their heads, muttering, "And to think she's an English teacher, for shame."

If I elected to use 'Mrs. Sanders' class', I'd be accepted by everyone else and viewed as a traitor by my English comrades.

I was railroaded into phrase substitution.


On behalf of my class, I would like to accept responsibility for the spontaneous squirrel campaign flyers and fun facts that popped up all over campus.They will be promptly removed tomorrow morning when it is no longer National Squirrel Appreciation Day. We are deeply sorry for any panic our actions may have caused.

Sincerely, 
Mrs. Sanders


You see? Naturally ending-s names are unjustly punished with the burden of additional work just to avoid a perception of inaccuracy.

Somebody needs to take a stand. And, since apparently I am the only one who feels strongly about this, it will have to be me.

I'd like to make a motion to strike the 's + apostrophe' from use in singular-possessive situations. 

The strategy of throwing an apostrophe on to the end of a naturally ending-s name is confusing. It conflicts with the rules of pluralization and presents mixed messages about the amount of [whatever] involved.

Looking for an excuse to use less ink or hand motion? Some may call it efficient, but I call it lazy. Equal rights, people. Russ deserves the 'apostrophe + s' every bit as much as Mark or Joe.

To deprive him this joy is anti-American.

Let's all agree to start applying the 'apostrophe + s'. Tell you friends to tell their friends.

As the leader of this grassroots movement, I will accept the task of contacting Guss about the pickles. His incredibly limited website, though devoid of almost any interesting content, does include an address.

If he is resistant to correcting his labels, I may have to level with him. Delicious though his pickles may be, I'm not sure the leader of this kind of movement can continue to purchase and enjoy them. 

It would be too hypocritical.

Bear Problems

People who live in the suburbs have bear problems, too, you know. Just ask Tom Selleck.

The Berenstain Bears was one of my favorite series as a kid. It seemed like there was a book to address just about every childhood situation.

My children needed those bears. How else would they learn to cope with life's challenges?

We scored a ton of them at Recycled in Denton. The prices were so odd --25 cents for some, 37 cents for others. I think the most we paid for one was $1.36. We even got a couple of the old-school hardcover rhyming ones-- The Bike Lesson and The Bears' Picnic.

We made out like bear bandits.

Shortly thereafter, we found out that the book series had become a television show and subsequently, a dvd series.

We had to own it.

[Sidenote-- I verified which dvd we'd purchased. 'The Bears Mind Their Manners' is currently available on Amazon for $29.99. There is NO chance I paid that much. No possible way. My maximum would have been around $8.]

The cartoon was a reasonably responsible adaptation, and it stays pretty true to the picture books' plots. The main problem was the theme song.

They're kind of furry around the torso/

They're a lot like people only more-so.

What the heck does that mean? How can a bear be more like a person than an actual person?! Two giant steps backward for bearkind on that one, PBS.

Guess what? I'm not the only one who has grown skeptical of these bears.

During a Friday night Blue Bloods episode, a promo for the ten o'clock news indicated that Tom Selleck would be revealing his deepest thoughts on parenting, his role as the spokesman for the National Fatherhood Initiative, and his disdain toward the Berenstain Bears.

Thank goodness some bold soul was finally going to bring this oxy-moronic grammatical problem to light. And it was someone I already respected: NYPD's finest fictional commissioner!

Normally the news is too traumatic to watch, but this seemed manageable.

Manageable and worthwhile.

Sesame-seed Synopsis:

Tom is proud to be a parent.
Tom thinks parenting is important.
Tom feels that our culture has allowed-- and even promoted-- the characterization of fathers as bumbling idiots.

Doofuses.
Dopes.
Dolts.

Case in point: Papa Bear of the Berenstain dynasty.

Gee whiz.

Could that be accurate? What kind of messed-up society would place my two heroes in this moral contrast?

I’d have to investigate this for myself.

So, I hauled out our collection of bear books—all 34 of them. (We have two copies of Visit the Dentist, Too Much TV, and Trouble with Friends… not quite sure how that happened…)

As I read through them, I did see shadows of Tom’s concern, but it certainly wasn’t overt oblivion. If what he was saying about Papa Bear was true, Mama Bear was the sister of Stalin.

It seems to me that like so many other things, the truth stands somewhere between the conflicting beliefs.

Papa Bear could be perceived in the way Tom was portraying him, but only if you willfully neglected the intended audience, author’s purpose, and context of the stories.

The books are intended for young children grappling with the monumental task of absorbing morals and values and virtues.

Papa Bear often faces the same challenges as his cubs. Whether it is the temptation of sweets and junk food or the desire to indulge in television instead of physical activity, I think the authors weren’t attempting to denigrate fathers. They were probably just trying to eliminate hypocrisy and show that adults can struggle with these same challenges, too—that it is all part of the human experience.

More(so) or less.

Again, considering the intended audience, I understand why the authors consistently placed Papa in this role. Most children aren’t quite ready for complex characterization. By creating predictable, steady roles for the four main characters, the authors have a greater opportunity to showcase the challenging situation and develop the solution and moral within the constraints of a child’s shorter attention span.

Why not share the ‘humanity’ with Mama? Switching up the fall guy and aligning Mama with the kids might compromise the readers’ trust.

Is this an accurate representation of life? Of course not. Mothers cave to temptations all the time. Mothers have weaknesses, too. I speak from experience—I’m about as flawed as they come.

Papa Bear’s persona isn’t a political statement about fatherhood. He’s just a victim of typecasting.

Surely that is something that Commissioner Reagan—I mean, Tom Selleck—can identify with.

Commissioner Reagan always errs on the side of integrity, even if it conflicts with popular preference.

Does Tom?

Tom, if you’re reading, consider this.

Hero or villain, your most believable character roles were decisive men of action and moral compass. Not all roles—nor all men—share those traits. Would you be willing to trade places with Papa Bear for a bit to give him that opportunity to be the dad you want him to be?

Besides, box office successes are different from critical ones.

Have you no memory of your lackluster saccharine-sensitive side-show in Three Men and a Baby?

It seems to me that you’d likely be as inept at handling bear problems as Papa Bear would be at handling police commissioner problems.

And that’s okay, because I’m starting to realize that maybe actors are a lot like people, only more-so.

Refresher Course

Think before you speak. You’ve heard it skatey-eight million times, I’m sure. Maybe you’ve even said it a few times. I know I have.

Why is it so hard to practice what we preach? This simple truth slipped my mind the day I stood before twenty eight innocent faces and announced,

“All around you, people use it every day. You use it. I use it. We’ve lost touch with its purpose, though. When was the last time that we really paused to consider the function of the but?”

If you missed the problem, go back and read that aloud. Yup, those words really left my mouth.

The students attempted to suppress their giggles, at least until they saw that I was laughing, too. Then it was time to get down to business, for ‘The Function of The But’ has very serious grammatical and social implications, and it should not be taken lightly.

Consider the following sentence starter:
The trip was great, but…

But what?

…but the beach was too crowded.

…but we forgot to put on sunscreen and now look like lobsters.
…but our flight was delayed for hours on the way home.

Your brain is powerful and it has practiced, whether you are aware of it or not. It already knows what kind of ending that sentence needs.

Let’s use the first option for our analysis.

The trip was great, but the beach was too crowded.

Two ideas are being joined here, separated by the comma-but. (No wisecracks, please.)

(“Okay, class. Let’s take a look at the left side of The But,” I'd said a bit later.

Apparently my brain was absent that day. I simply could not remember to think before speaking!)

‘The trip was great’ is a positive, complimentary statement.

On the right side of The But, we have ‘but the beach was too crowded’. Total bummer, dude. Definite drawback. In this example, the function of The But is to flip the tone of the sentence.

Does it work for all our examples listed above? Yup.

Does it work for all sentences and situations? Pretty much.

‘But’ is a word that signals contrast. Other members of this family include close relatives Yet, Although, and However, as well as that pesky distant cousin Whereas. There are more. We don’t need to address them now.

Grammatically, you can really confuse your audience if you are not mindful of The But. Liberal, sloppy use of The But can be awkward, misleading, and just plain perplexing.

Dinner was great, but I really hope you make that recipe again.

Which recipe? The But is telling us that it must be something different from what was included in the great dinner. Or maybe the diner meant ‘but I really hope you NEVER make that recipe again’ and accidentally left out the never. The construction of this sentence is breaking our bond with everything we already know and love about but. The audience is unable to understand what is being said.

The best signal word for the sentence above is probably the great tonal maintainer, The And.

Dinner was great, and I really hope you make that recipe again.

The social responsibility of the function of The But is equally valuable. Imagine that you’ve spend hours preparing a meal for company. At the end of the visit when you’re walking your guests to the door, one says, “Dinner was great, but—"

But what?

Once the speaker hangs that but out there, it is too late. The recipient is already clenched and ready to receive the criticism. The feelings are hurt before the sentence has even been completed.

It’s how we’ve been trained.

It’s practically a universal truth.

As a teacher, I had to be vigilant about my own use of The But. If your teacher said, “Your project is great, but—" you would know what was on the way. Flaws. Faults. Criticism that negates the compliment of “great”. 

Feedback that makes ‘great’ lose its meaning altogether.

To prevent this, I embraced The And.

“Your project is great, AND with a few minor adjustments it will be spectacular." Okay, so it’s kind of doing the same thing. It feels more optimistic, though, doesn’t it?

Whether you are a teacher, parent, sibling, or friend, you have a responsibility to support those around you. For the sake of those you love, think before you speak, and always be mindful of ‘The Function of The But’.

Subliminal Grammar

Last week’s Michael’s circular brought out my misty-wistfulness again. I’ve been avoiding it for months, because we don’t have the money to support all the incredible projects that would come from a visit to that art material superstore.

T-shirts were going to be on sale 5 for $10. There was a time when I would have dropped everything to go scoop up that bargain, and that time was several years ago in the middle of August.

We’d just received our annual spirit T-shirts to kick off the school year, and that year’s version was a series of unfortunate attributes.

It was itchy. It was not traditional cotton. Instead, the synthetic material was a cross between spandex and burlap that seemed better suited for space exploration, ponchos, or sleeping bags.

It was white. I spilled coffee on mine the very first time I tried it on. I wasn’t even planning to wear the thing for more than a minute or two and KABLAM! Immediate and potentially permanent damage.

It was small—not just on me but on everyone. It appeared that spacesuit manufacturers used a different sizing chart than we cotton earthlings use. Beyond the few who’d made fitness their focus over the summer, the rest of our clan looked like ten pounds of sugar in a five-pound sack.

The worst part, though, was the graphic. Wordles were all the rage, but I would not go so far as to say they were in fashion. If you ask me, they should be left out of fashion. For eternity.

 

And here is why:

When you are wearing a shirt with a cloud of words, folks get curious. If the words are tiny, the folks get close—uncomfortably close—to read the message. If the folks are tall, they must crouch. If they are small, they must stand tip-toed and crane their necks to better read the tiny words stretching across your boobs.

It.

Was.
Awful.

Around that time, the Michael’s circular advertised their T-shirt sale, and I knew what I could do. I went to the store intending to purchase five navy blue solid-color roomy cotton tees, but I left with more than I’d planned, because the iron-on letters were on sale, too.

It.

Was.
Fate.

I wasn’t certain what I’d write, but I trusted that a big idea would arrive. That’s how fate works.

Sure enough, I awoke the next morning with a plan.

Visualize with me—

A teacher spends the majority of her time facing the class, but there are moments when she must turn her back to them to write on the board. Why pause the learning while the message is being recorded when you could sneak in a grammar reminder instead?!  Think of the benefits! It could cut down on the nagging. It could educate the masses in the halls during passing periods. Heck, I could even gently and subtly remind coworkers while I was at the coffee machine in the faculty room or while checking my mail in the office corridor.

I made several shirts with messages on the backs, and they were each magnificent in their own ways. Russ was less excited, but even he had the good sense to know it would be better than the wordle, which he realized after I reminded him seven or eight times. (Sometimes I wonder if what he really realized was that I was not going to let go of this issue until he cooperated and showed his support.)

Now that I’m not teaching, I don’t have the same opportunities I once had to show my enthusiasm toward grammar in an only semi-nerdy way. And now that Russ is not teaching English and is teaching Social Studies, he says he doesn’t have those opportunities either. Which I think is a load of horse poo, but whatever. Besides, he’s on this high fashion kick right now with dress shirts and ties every day, so--

Oh my gosh. I just realized—is this so he doesn’t have to wear my super-special subliminal grammar shirts? The nerve!

Well, the joke’s on him, because I already have a new purpose for those shirts, anyway. I’ve been wearing them to the gym. The treadmills are arranged in a long row directly in front of the elliptical machines. I select a vacant treadmill in front of an occupied elliptical and then, the magic happens.

Instant captive audience.

They may think I’m the weirdo in that moment, but hopefully the next time they sit down to compose an email, my reminders will resurface.

Possessive its never splits!

Possessive your, only four!

When in spelling doubt, find another way out.