Frequent Flyers

1. Always keep a few bottles of Gatorade in your bag. 

2. Don't zig-zag across the street, or else you'll tire yourself out.

These are two essential tips I learned today from a professional flyer-delivery person. Yup, it is his profession, and judging by his dazzling-white smile, it must pay enough to support frequent and thorough professional dental care.

Our paths crossed shortly after my 250th flyer and my three-hour mark.

There was a little confusion at first because he thought I was a professional flyer-delivery person, too.

As if.

If I was darn near ready to collapse from exhaustion after three hours, I doubt I could do it for consecutive days and consecutive weeks.

I don't know if I did the math right, but three hours at a conservative estimated walking speed of 3.0 miles an hour might be NINE miles. 

Without ever leaving my own neighborhood. Without ever straying more than a mile from my own doorstep.

And there are still 350 flyers to be delivered. I don't even want to think about that math.

Well, my new flyer-buddy must have sensed my frustration,  because in his entrepreneurial wisdom, he suggested that perhaps I hire him for future deliveries.

He charges $30 for the door-to-door delivery of 600 flyers. He's very trustworthy,  he says. ("I text you at the end of every street, and I never throw your flyers in the trash.")

Fair enough.

In fact, that's a bargain. I'd probably pay $30 to avoid ever walking an extended period of time again, even if flyers had nothing to do with it. 

If this reminds you about my plan to hike the 2,179-mile Appalachian Trail back in 2004 with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I urge you to hold your tongue. Because this is 2015, and I am no longer a spring chicken. 

In fact, if you said, "Hey, you can either walk a marathon or pay me $30," I'd drive to the nearest ATM and give you $40, right then and there.

Walking. Hmph. 

It's so pedestrian. 

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Besides, who am I to horn in on this guy's turf? He's the professional. The neighborhood shouldn't have to suffer an amateur like me. 

I think we can all agree that everyone will be better off if I hire him to make my future deliveries.