When did Gluten-Free become the enemy?

I don't watch news or any live TV. (Big surprise, right? Remember the Lightning Mike incident?) The majority of my world, national, local, and social news updates arrive via Facebook, and lately I have noticed some ugliness about gluten-free lifestyles.

Nothing? I beg to differ.

See down there at the bottom-- "diet crazes"
 Diet craze? Really? Why?

Did you know that a gluten-free diet is trendy? I didn't.  And for the life of me, I cannot figure out who would elect to live this way to be hip, because let me tell you, it is a tedious and expensive inconvenience.

But I do it cheerfully,  because the alternative is far worse.

Long about four years ago, my health started going downhill for no apparent reason whatsoever. It started with pain and lots of it. Stomach, back, hips, shoulders, head. Almost everything hurt.

For several months, the pain in my side was constant and severe. Tests revealed it was not a gall bladder issue.

Minor issues were discovered during a laparoscopic probe-- ruptured ovarian cysts, infected something-or-other. Nothing permanent or explanatory of all the issues, though.

Sometimes, right in the middle of the school day and often mid-lesson at the front of the classroom, my whole body would go numb from the waist down. 

That was really weird. 

Then there were the mystery tumors flanking my spine. But, tests revealed they were benign.

I'd frequently run high fevers--102, 103, 104 for up to a week at a time, but the only thing ever detected was strep-- 9 bouts in 11 months during my final year of teaching.

The joint pain was probably the worst, though. Someone on a website (back then, I read a lot of websites all night long because the pain kept me awake) described the joint pain as having someone tear off your arms and legs, pour in glass and gravel, and then pop your limbs back into place. This was mostly accurate, but in order to truly recreate my sensation, one would probably have to pour in gasoline and toss in a lit match before corking the limbs into their respective sockets.

When nothing definitive emerged from the medical testing, we chalked the whole thing up to stress-- stress compromising the immune system.

It hurt to stand. It hurt to sit. It hurt to sleep. The greatest relief I could obtain came from flopping over the rectangular ottoman, knees on the ground, arms dangling off the front edge. It may have looked foolish, but the comfort it brought was worth it.

One day, I saw the Arthur Boorman video about how DDP yoga transformed his life.(http://youtu.be/qX9FSZJu448)

To be clear, my situation was not nearly as severe as his, but I thought that if someone in a dramatically worse condition could improve so dramatically, maybe it could help me, too.

Desperate for relief (but mostly because I am impulsive and easily influenced) I placed the order. 

The DVDs arrived with a suggested meal plan (they almost always do, don't they?) and this one was pretty consistent with the paleo diet, a clean-eating regime of pure ingredients in their most unadulterated form. 

Zero processing, zero preservatives, pretty much zero compound ingredients. Meats, vegetables, fruit, nuts. Oh, and little-to-no dairy. 

That was the worst part for me-- I love cheese and yogurt.

But, I wanted to give it the college try. If it was worth doing, it needed to be done completely. 

The yoga wasn't awful and neither were the meals we prepared.

By the end of the first week, I'd lost almost ten pounds and Russ had lost almost 15 pounds. Most importantly and incredibly, nearly all my pain was gone.

Gone!
Crazy, right?

And the spine tumors, whose size often flared to gumball/bouncy-ball proportions had been reduced to Skittle-size. Some seemed to disappear completely!

Was it the yoga, the lack of dairy, or the lack of processed foods?

Unofficial experiments were conducted. 

The workouts were the first thing I dropped.

Still pain-free.

I brought back cheese and yogurt into my diet.

A little discomfort, but nothing major. My love for dairy has never been fully reciprocated, anyway.

Finally, I reacquainted myself with processed foods.

Holy Hell.

Every ounce of pain flooded back with a vengeance. 

The tumors surged. Standing upright ceased.

I'd nabbed the culprit.

Once again, I eliminated the processed foods, and within a week, the pain disappeared. After hurting for so long, I couldn't believe I'd stumbled upon a "cure".

Further unofficial experiments isolated the problem to grains and especially things containing wheat. 

It wasn't a huge sacrifice. I'd never cared for bread or baked goods and had only recently started to enjoy cake-- but only if it was baked by the talented Jennifer Penny.

Of course, the greatest loss of all was Boston's Pizza. You know how I feel about Boston's Pizza, right? A couple times I made an exception for it, but the pain resumed so quickly and fiercely that eventually it wasn't worth it. (They do offer a gluten-free crust. It is smaller, more expensive, and disgusting.)

Russ wanted to be supportive, and he immediately started buying all sorts of special gluten-free groceries, which was very kind, but most of the items he procured were things I didn't like even before the transition. 

Pasta? No thanks. 

Bagels? I'll pass. 

Cookies? Now here was a discovery. 

The Glutino brand chocolate sandwich cookies were outstanding. I'd spent my whole life feeling indifferent toward Oreos, but these were spectacular.

We've confirmed that as long as I stay away from gluten, I feel fantastic.

It is annoying and inconvenient, but totally worth it.

The rest of the family is not gluten-free. Creating 100% gluten-free (or paleo-style) meals would not necessarily require more effort, but it would be more expensive, and not necessarily worth it if there wasn't a significant impact on their health and quality of life.

I'm too lazy to prepare two full separate dinners per day, so I do my best to find a balance. I'll prepare meatballs in a GF way, and while they enjoy them over pasta, I enjoy them in a bowl with sauce. (This is not a great example, but it is a real example from last week. I didn't care for pasta even before living GF, so there's no point in always purchasing GF noodles for everyone else.)

Pulled-pork is prepared GF, and while the family has sandwiches, I use corn tortillas, or I just have the meat on a plate. No muss, no fuss.

Going out is the biggest pain of all, so mostly we don't. Russ can make just about anything, and he can make it far better than any restaurant, anyway.

Last of all, I keep a stash of Kellogg's protein drinks in the fridge, which I use as breakfast and lunch on most days. Making my own smoothies could be cheaper and healthier, but remember: I am lazy. The blender is a pain to clean. Store-bought protein drinks are expensive but worth it to me.

Haters say GF is a trend. The Celiac population retaliates with medical facts proving necessity of the GF lifestyle. Then there's me: I'm the undefined middle ground they're targeting, but I don't care. I'm just happy to stand, sit, and sleep without experiencing excruciating pain.

If your body hurts, maybe you should give it a try.

Haters gonna hate. Poor ignorant souls.